In case you are wondering, yes, I was an emo in high school.

From the time I was in elementary school, I can remember people discussing the philosophical implications behind the question: “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” It may sound like an absurd question, but is actually quite interesting because there is no wrong or right answer, but your answer can change depending on what school of thought you analyze it through. That is to say, the answer reveals more about a person than it does about reality.

When I was a child, I would answer a more childish form of: “Obviously! Whether someone is around or not does not change the existence of the noise.” By the time I entered middle school, I had changed my answer. I thought, “Well, for there to be sound, someone has to be around to hear it, right? Otherwise, there is no sound.” This is an either highly scientific or incredibly egocentric way of seeing our existence — and I find both to be typical of human beings. By the time I was in high school, I would occasionally continue to ponder whether there needs to be any human being around for sound to exist. If there are animals or other creatures around that hear the tree fall, even if they are not human, then surely it must be making noise, right? Could sound be just another fabrication of human consciousness like time? And if that is the case, then what even qualifies something as existent? Human awareness?

Fast-forward to today, in a time when I feel like my voice does not matter, when there is so much noise and very few people listening, and I have now put myself in place of the tree. Today, I have to be much more intentional about my relationships with people — as an acquaintance, as a colleague, as a co-worker, as a friend, as a father, as a husband. Today, I am wondering: if I scream and no one is around to hear my pain, does my pain still mean something?

It is a question that has defined me this year. I see so much human suffering, and my pain definitely does not feel as loud as that of the “other trees in the forest”. And yet, I know my suffering matters just as much as my neighbor’s. Our roots are all connected somehow. Still, I have to stop and reflect: what has changed? Has this level of human suffering always existed and I am now just more mature to notice it? The global conflicts surrounding much of the backbone for human suffering have always been there. The “human condition” has remained the same. There have also arguably been worse time periods globally (e.g. any time period with a plague, WWI, or WWII). Am I maybe just “more connected” than my ancestors were thanks to technology? Could it be that perhaps age has redefined my outlook? Or is there something bigger going on that is trying to teach me that it is no longer worth screaming? And what does that say about human connection when we feel as though our pain is not worth communicating?

I have struggled to write lately, not from a lack of material but from an abundance of absurdity. There is too much noise, and I want to be careful not to fall into the trap of contributing to that noise. There is so much to be angry about that it is hard to focus on just one thing. There is also much to learn from taking a step back, observing, and listening. I want to be intentional about the way I express myself, and I definitely do not want to write until I feel I have something worth saying. Because I want to use my voice to engage and connect with others, and maybe that is another angle to look at the question from — a social one. Because at this point in my life, the question is not about whether or not the tree makes a noise. The question is whether the noise the tree makes matters and how the other trees in the forest are affected by that first tree’s fall. Because today, I am the tree, and so are you.

Perhaps when screams are intentional, they matter most. Perhaps not all screams are just noise. Perhaps that is what makes that simple question so great. Perhaps…

Share Decyphering Emotions

On the morning of September 11, 2001, Leon woke up in his Brooklyn Heights apartment to a ray of sunshine slowly vaulting over the blinds, rolling over his bed, and gently kissing his forehead. His first words were, “Shit! Stupid alarm.”

He could have sworn that he had set his digital alarm for 5:30 the night before, with ample time for an extensive morning routine that would both support his workflow and also accounted for possible delays every step of the way. He had not slept well, restless about the backlog waiting at his cubicle, and he had planned to clock in early. Now he felt betrayed by General Electric after many years of loyalty to the brand. Maybe it was time for a Dream Machine, or maybe he could go back to analog.

The night before had been full of rituals. Leon had taken a nice shower before climbing into bed with last month’s copy of Reader’s Digest, fully intent on finishing an article on how to financially prepare for tough times. He had left his shoes, slacks, white shirt, tie, and everything else next to his bed in an effort to streamline his morning routine. He had left a bagel, his cookware, and his Café Bustelo sitting next to the gas stove. He had prepared for contingencies by folding some cash into his pants pocket for a possible cab fare. He figured that if he did not need it in the morning, he would need a pick-me-up midday. He aimed to be sitting at his cubicle by no later than 8:30 sharp.

He had planned a proper morning—shave, shower, light breakfast, coffee—but his fortune, he concluded, had shifted sometime before the sun rose at 6:31. Now, it was already 7:30 and Leon could only curse the damned clock as his heartbeat synchronized to his rush. He chose to forego breakfast for the sake of time and instead splashed water on his face before hacking his way through a rushed shave. This condensed routine made up for lost time and promised him the possibility of still arriving to his cubicle by 8:30.

As he left his apartment at 8:00 without breakfast, without a coffee, and with a terrible shave, Anna, his beautiful neighbor who worked on the same floor at the office, greeted him. Her blue eyes glistened in the sun toward him, a stare that on any other occasion would have pulled him in. She, too, was running late. His mind only half-processed the kindness, the attention, and manifested a quick nod before she turned back to her apartment, seemingly having forgotten something. He promised himself he would apologize after work for not responding, maybe even ask her to get a drink over the upcoming weekend. For a moment, he allowed himself to wander into a future where she is his wife, they have two kids, and together have a beautiful home in Long Island.

The fantasy quickly dissolved as he quickened his pace into Clark Street station, the smell of brake dust and damp tile replacing the Café Bustelo he had abandoned on his stove. He tripped on a loose tile, cursed under his breath, and fixed his tie as he pressed into the crowd. After riding in the the train for a few minutes, he checked his Seiko: 8:10. Still possible, he told himself. If everything ran smoothly, he could still make a reasonable time. But every stop was met with some sort of delay, and he felt the minutes bleeding away. He checked his Seiko again: 8:15. He felt as if the universe was conspiring to keep him pinned down against his backlog and every part of his being wanted to tap out.

At 8:25, the doors open at his stop. He should have gotten out—but he does not. In the midst of his frustration, he exhales strongly, letting go of time. He decides to ride on. He is going to be late, but he might as well arrive to work with his midday treat already in hand. There is a nice bagel shop near Penn Station where he can also get a good coffee. He overshoots the train ride in an attempt to salvage whatever is left of this horrible morning, then take a cab back to the office. Yes, he will be late, but he can focus on his work fueled by hot coffee and bagels, a small mercy to get back on track.

For the first time that morning, Leon allows himself to breathe. The bagel shop smells of yeast and burnt toast, and he buys a poppy bagel and a house blend coffee, steam curling against his face reminding him of the way he woke up that morning. He glances at his Seiko one last time: 8:45. For the first time all morning, the numbers do not make his stomach tense. He holds both the bagel and the coffee with one hand, and uses his free arm to flag down a cab.

Then he hears a roar. Low. Fast. Wrong. Heads turn upward, and Leon follows their gaze above the cab pulling to the curb beside him. If he makes it home tonight, he is going to ask Anna out.

This short story was inspired by a story my sixth grade history teacher shared a few years post-9/11 about his friend who, upon being late to work at one of the towers, witnessed the first collision from a few streets away.

I dedicate this short story to the teachers who did not make it to retirement, to those that were forced into retirement, and to those that were forced to postpone their retirement.

There is no profession more noble than that of an educator. Like a candle, you will consume yourself to light the way for others.

Before your first day, you will prepare by buying khakis, cardigans—maybe slacks if your appearance is already part of the product. But never jeans.

On your first day, you will cross the threshold as you leave your home and breathe in the air of change as you begin your new routine. There will be an indoctrination where you learn the humble beginnings of the system you now belong to. They will speak of legacy. Of values. Of growth. They will not mention the dead rats at your campus. Or the mold deep within the walls and ceiling tiles.

“Welcome! You are lucky to be here,” a new colleague will tell you on your first day on campus. “Everyone wants to work here because we have the best administration—very supportive. I heard there were at least twenty applicants and only a handful of interviews. You were the one chosen by a panel of veterans.”

Naturally, you feel grateful, lucky even. You have been given great responsibility, a stable salary paid monthly, a classroom, and a “teacher’s edition” literature textbook. Now your time has come to prepare students for the labyrinth of life. You have been handed their future. You, yourself, have been preparing for this role for many years, and you have finally reached your goal. You are a certified educator.

“Here is your brand-new lanyard. Wear it with pride,” they say. You do. You beam. For now.

“It’s not what it used to be,” the wise old teacher—your former English teacher—will tell you.

“Things were different when you were my student. We were treated professionally, and we had autonomy back then. We were trusted.” He pauses. “Things have changed. Now it’s all about the data. It’s become too politicized.”

Then he will smile. “But the world still needs great teachers, and I believe you will be one of them.”

It is not a corporate lifestyle, but it parallels it.

You are not trusted with truth. You are not teaching what matters. You are teaching what is prescribed and can be measured.

Approaches grade level expectations. Meets grade level. Masters grade level. All students demonstrate growth. You align to campus needs. You are a team player. You do not ask what happens to the students who fall behind because no student is left behind. You make sure they catch up—before school, after school, or on weekends.

Between the hours of 8:00 to 4:00, you are teaching, but your contract says you have to arrive by no later than 7:45, sometimes earlier. You have breakfast duty. It also says you are not to leave before 4:15, but when you are not on breakfast duty, you are on bus duty. You leave closer to 5:00. You are granted 30 minutes to eat and use the restroom. You learn to do both quickly. You learn to ignore the pressure in your bladder because you cannot leave your classroom unattended and there is a shortage of staff to cover you. You learn to work through hunger. You learn to not complain. You sweat the small stuff. You cope by treating yourself to coffee in the morning, to whatever takeout in the evening.

Every day is exactly the same, and you grow so tired that you become conditioned to always look forward to the next break. The weekend. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Spring break. Summer break. You count down to them all, even as you know you will not enjoy any of them. When they arrive, you are consumed and do not feel anything. These breaks are only enough to get you back on your feet. Back to giving more of yourself to other people’s children than you are able to give to your own. And so the weeks pass. The months. The years. You adjust. You comply. You smile for walkthroughs. You implement changes to maximize student engagement and minimize downtime. You become a Master Teacher to the state. You become a Teacher of Excellence to your students. You become a Teacher of the Year for your campus. But become a zombie to your family.

You do it all because you believe in a greater good. You believe you are making a difference in the lives of your students. You believe that knowledge is power. You are passionate. You care. You are sensitive. You are laying your life down so that the world can change into a better place. But it does not, and when you realize that, you struggle. Now you take an antidepressant, and it is not always enough. Some nights you cannot sleep. You get up and continue lesson planning. You question your existence. You wonder if you will survive the routine, the stress, for the next two decades until you can finally retire. You try not to imagine the alternative because you remember those who did not make it to retirement.

In Gestalt Therapy, there is a popular technique called “The Empty Chair Technique” that is used to help clients explore and process unresolved emotions surrounding past traumas, interpersonal problems, disorders like depression, and other negative experiences. The client imagines a person, or a part of a person (such as their own depression), is sitting on the empty chair, and they engage in conversation. It is intended to foster honesty, understanding, and emotional release, and it can be a powerful technique if the client longs for that cathartic experience but has not had other outlets to express themselves before. But that cathartic experience can come from many different places — and ultimately, it comes from within.

Many people argue that our dreams are composed of fragments from reality with some going so far as to say that if you see a person you did not know in your dream, it is very likely your subconscious had processed the image of that person at one point in your daily life. This raises all sorts of questions related to simulations and realities. If a “real” person is made up of their behaviors, mannerisms, thought patterns, and those patterns are re-created in your subconscious during a dream, how real is that “simulation” in your dream? Taking it one step further, if you were unable to talk to a person in your life who had hurt you, what if you could talk to them in your dreams? Assuming that conversation went well, could that help you process your thoughts and emotions around that person and thus resolve a mental health concern?

During my mental health graduate program, I had a professor who briefly talked about an interesting niche he belongs to concerned with similar scenarios. He focused on the power of dreams as a tool to heal, and he had been practicing lucid dreaming as a way of interacting with his subconscious to heal. We know that during the rapid eye movement (REM) stage of sleep, our brains process, consolidate, and archive thoughts and memories (one of the many reasons why good sleep is important). He told us about how he kept having these recurring dreams where a woman would appear, and he did not know who the woman was or what she was doing invading his subconscious. Eventually, he took over his dream and approached the woman and confronted her. While I do not remember the conversation he then proceeded to have with the woman, I do remember that it was a wholesome conversation, and that was the last time he had that recurring dream. Effectively, he addressed the issue within his subconscious that was leading this woman to re-appear.

Interestingly, I had a similar experience last year, even if it was not a recurring dream. When I wrote “I Hated High School”, the short story stemmed from a dream I had alluded to in a personal note. I had gone to bed one night, and my subconscious kept replaying altered versions of memories from high school. They were all much better than the original memory. If the original was plagued by guilt, embarrassment, regret, or heart ache, the dream version replaced those with positive alternatives — the way I would have wanted things to turn out. It was an interesting experience because most people will agree that they are not the same person they were five, ten years ago… yet, most people will also hold onto all the negative emotions from classmates that excluded them from a friend group 15 years ago. But imagine things had turned out exactly the way you wanted them to. How would the absence of that struggle have shaped who you are today?

I did not have any sort of conscious revelation immediately, but I kept processing the dream throughout the day. When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was that I had been sweating in my sleep, and that I was happy to be awake. I was happy for what my life was on that day as opposed to life when I was in high school. That is not to say that I did not like my life when I was in high school or missed things from the time, but I realized that even if things had gone the way I wanted them in high school, I would not have been completely happy anyway. My present life, even with its own turbulence, is much more enjoyable than my life was back then. The million dollar question is: What changed?

Feed your head.

From an early age, we are exposed to death. Either we start seeing animals, insects, other living organisms die, or we experience the loss of someone linked to our circle. We become aware of death early on, but we do not necessarily process our own mortality. I would even go as far as saying that most people do not process their mortality throughout their lifetime and are more likely to process the mortality of others than their own. Consequently, those people may go about their lives as if they are immortal, not saying things they want to say and not doing things they want to do — all by the promise of tomorrow. They exist in the “rat race” blissfully pushing aside the fact that we are all going to die one day.

In Socrates’ last days, according to Plato’s Dialogues, Socrates has a conversation with his friend Crito. Crito is visiting Socrates in his cell, after Socrates has been wrongfully jailed, tried, and found guilty of impiety and corruption of the youth (among other things). He is to be put to death the day that Crito visits with the intention of helping him escape. When he arrives, Crito observes Socrates peacefully sleeping, and wonders how his friend can be doing so given the circumstances. When he wakes, Crito attempts to convince Socrates to escape and seek refuge far from Athens, and Socrates rejects the offer, citing his lifelong adherence to the laws of Athens. Then, they engage in one last dialogue.

What stood out most to me about that conversation, however, is that Socrates, in mentioning his impending murder, gives a profound perspective on death. He explains that the way he sees it, there are two possibilities for “the afterlife”:

1. Imagine the biggest exhaustion you have ever experienced, and then imagine having an eternal, dreamless rest. This is the first possibility.

2. The second possibility is that we transition into a different realm where the soul can exist free from the constraints of the body, and we may encounter other pure souls from the past.

Reflect for a moment that Plato’s dialogues were written around 399 BC, and that makes his perspective that much more interesting, from a theological perspective.

Reading Socrates’ theory of death alleviated much of the anxiety that I felt about my own mortality because neither possibility sounds awful. In fact, growing up as a Christian, the possibility of going to Hell and suffering for eternity sounded much more terrible, but that is a topic for another day. As Socrates suggests, it is absurd to fear the unknown. So, what if we accept Socrates’ view on death? Is that sufficient to lose our fear of death? Not quite.

Many people do not necessarily fear death itself, but they avoid the topic as a whole because it is painful to consider life after a loss. Others worry about the painful circumstances surrounding death. The mind reasons that this avoidance of facing death is a way of protecting us, and the avoidance makes us behave in a different way than we would if we kept death — whether our own or that of a loved one — present as a way of making the most of time. People may briefly focus on the different ways one can die or have reminders of mortality when “so-and-so” dies. They ponder about the way they would react to such a loss, such a pain, but ultimately move on after a few weeks and the world keeps turning.

The truth of the matter is that if we accept death and keep it present, we may be capable of leading a very different life where we truly seize the day and stop taking others for granted. Our behavior shifts.

In Wallace’s speech, two fish are swimming, and another, older fish passes by and asks “How’s the water today?” One of the younger fish looks at the other and goes “What the hell is water?” Wallace then goes on to talk about how much of adulthood, much of the “rat race,” is filled with so many daily activities that we do not talk about, such as driving through busy roads full of annoying drivers, making line while grocery shopping after a long day at work, etc. He makes the point that it is easy to get caught up in the rat race and forget to actually live. By the end, we come to understand that learning to truly live and see beyond those daily struggles day in and day out is the real goal of education and life. We have to remind ourselves “this is water” daily to not lose ourselves in the journey.

In Coelho’s scene, a young man is sent to learn the “Secret of Happiness” from a sage. The young man travels to meet the sage, who listens to his request, and tells him that he does not have time to teach him the Secret of Happiness. He asks him to wander through his palace, and while he does so, he is to carry a spoon with drops of oil without spilling any of it. The young man eventually returns with the spoon still full, and the sage asks him if he noticed the many “wonders” he has in his palace — beautiful things he has acquired throughout his life, such as Persian tapestries, a beautiful garden tended by a master gardener, and rare parchments in his library. The young man is embarrassed because he had been focusing on the spoon and did not notice these wonders. The sage then instructs him to wander his palace once again, this time admiring his surroundings. When the young man returns, he reports all that he observed, and the sage asks, “But where are the two drops?” He then reveals that the Secret of Happiness is looking at all the wonders of the world and not forgetting the drops of oil along the way.

The aforementioned texts have shaped how I try to lead my life, but I did not always see life that way (and that mentality is definitely stress-tested often). There are natural stages that we go through as we age, and much like both authors suggest, the key is being aware of where we stand and “living” consciously to enjoy the little things in our daily life, like strangers at a busy coffee shop, the view from your office, or having lunch with a co-worker. In contrast, during my teenage years, I was very much an existential adolescent full of angst who could not wait to get older, have a job, his own car, his own place. While that is still a root part of who I am today, an anxious existentialist emo, I no longer focus that far into the possible future as a source for happiness, and that has made all the difference.

There is an ongoing joke about how millennials have survived a wild variety of issues (e.g. several “world endings” such as Y2K, 9/11, The Great Recession, Iraq War, 2012, COVID-19, Swine Flu, housing crises, some of the most controversial presidents, and the list goes on). Most people focus on surviving through difficult times by focusing on the possibility of a better life or at the thought of making their lives easier and more comfortable by paying off their debt, saving money, or buying the things they have always dreamed of. These are also natural inclinations that are hardwired into us, but the issue is that we live our lives always looking forward to the “next best thing” that we forget to live and enjoy life in the moment. We are looking forward to the next weekend, the next vacation, graduation, the next-gen tech, upgrading our car, our house, etc. It is only after we are way past those moments that we look back and think we never truly appreciated the point in our lives we were in.

It is difficult to enjoy “the little things” when you are trying to survive, or when you focus on the fact that there are hundreds of other people like yourself dying or suffering. Seeing a spark of light in the middle of darkness is not a difficult thing to do, but it can be if you keep your eyes closed. So I remind myself every day, “This is water. Do not forget the drops of oil…”

I think these types of circumstances tend to affect people who are more empathetic. We see suffering around us, and we want to do something about it. For others, it is easily to take the stance of, “It is not affecting me or my family directly, so I am not going to focus on it.” In an echo of what Martin Luther King, Jr. said, I believe empaths understand that injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. Advocating and defending others is ultimately a way of protecting ourselves because we understand that if the tables were flipped, we would want a good Samaritan defending us. At the same time, we think, “What can I do? What can one person do to take a stand and actually make a difference?” It is precisely this thinking that torments us the most. Our inability to control the suffering around us tortures us, robs us of our voice, and makes us angry because ultimately it makes us feel that we are not in control, in a position to help, not only others, but ourselves. And that leads to anger and depression.

The truth is, there is always something we can do, and that which we cannot do, we need to let go of. Here are a few things we can do to take care of ourselves and still make a difference:

• Practice self-care

  • When you do not know where to start, start by working on yourself. Exercising will help burn cortisol and literally lower stress levels in your body. It will give you more energy and help you feel better about yourself. Eat well, spend time doing the things you love, and get enough sleep. Furthermore, spending time with your loved ones, socializing, spending time outdoors, and generally developing and maintaining healthy hobbies and routines help keep you feeling good and having your empathic battery recharged. If you are religious, going to church will replenish your spiritual side and possibly help you with the socializing aspect as well.

• Know your limits

  • When you are not at your best, you cannot help others. It is okay to take a step back and “regroup” until you are ready to continue helping others. However, there is a difference between taking a step back and becoming idle. Taking a step back might look like applying more boundaries with friends, spending less time socializing, or prioritizing your personal life before your professional life. A healthy approach of taking a step back looks like using a reasonable amount of time off to replenish. An unhealthy approach would be more like disappearing off the face of the earth for months and ignoring all your friends/family during that time.

• Control your news exposure

  • As a society, we have failed to understand the way news affect us. It used to be something that was delivered by a physical messenger on horseback, through radio, or some sort of telegram. Eventually, it evolved into something that is televised, photographed, streamed, and worse yet, monetized. It is now something that is shoved down your throat the moment you open social media. This is because the more engagement, the more likely it is to turn up a revenue. There are news sources that unjustly manipulate people to increase and maintain a profit. Find an unbiased news source that you can rely on to give you the facts without manipulation. Schedule a time to catch up on news and follow that schedule. For example, when the war in Ukraine began, many people were religiously following it 24/7 for the first few weeks. Naturally, their mental health declined. On the flip-side, many people completely shut off from the news. Neither are healthy approaches. A healthier approach would have been to schedule “briefing” times several times throughout the week. 30+ years ago, people would only “read/watch the news” once or twice a day, usually in the morning and at night. Social media has changed that drastically.

• Boycott

  • I keep hearing people say, “If I would boycott every company that has a belief I disagree with, I wouldn’t be able to support any company.” I do not know that I agree with this “all or nothing” mentality. Boycotting, for starters, will make you feel like you are regaining some control over the situation. It makes you feel that you are doing something. You do not have to boycott everything, but you can certainly do without giving your money to every business that has practices you disagree with. You can use that money to support local businesses or even other hobbies/interests.

• Vote

  • The feeling of “Why am I even voting?” is one that I think most of us can relate to. For years, the majority of the people where I live in would vote the same way, and people felt like they did not need to vote because they already knew the outcome for the region. Until recently, that flipped. As a result, people started to realize, “I need to vote because what is actually happening is not what the majority of us want!” And it is not just the presidential elections that matter. As citizens, it is our responsibility to get involved with our communities and know what is happening at a local, state, and federal level. There is little education happening in the subjects of government, politics, policies, laws, and philosophy.

• Research

  • What you do not know can still affect you. Read up on historical events and their effects. You may begin to notice parallels between the world then and the world now. It is not enough to read the news and consider everything as truth because not all of it is. We must question. If you are worried about a particular bill, look it up and interpret the text for yourself. You can have the answers at your fingertips.

In the world today, there is much to be sad and angry about. However, as I previously stated, we always feel worse when we think we have no control over the things that are happening to us. By focusing on what we can control we alleviate some of the burden of the situation and make it slightly more manageable or tolerable. I am interested to know what other empathetic people do to cope with what happens in the world around them. How do we prepare for the uncertainty and chaos that life inevitably brings?

Recently, I watched Inside Out 2 and one of my favorite “new characters” was Nostalgia, who makes a brief appearance as an old lady and is sent back to her room after Anxiety tells her she still has “10 years, two graduations, and a best friend’s wedding” before she is needed. The comment immediately made me laugh, but I also found it particularly interesting because nostalgia has been more prevalent in my life as I start my 30s. I began thinking about how it is used against me in selling me tickets to a movie, video games, or even experiences, such as vacations. In my reflection of my own nostalgia, I have noted nostalgia began trending among my peers during the COVID-19 Pandemic. This may be partially due to the fact that my age group and social circle is within a stage of development where nostalgia becomes more common, but I believe it is also part of a cultural shift. While nostalgia is most commonly makes an appearance during times of loneliness, it serves a unique and interesting purpose.

Think about how you feel when you view old photos from 10, 20, or even 30 years ago. One of the main functions of nostalgia is that it allows us to reflect on “where we have been” and “where we are going.” That is, it solidifies our present identity. We may reflect on things about our past, like our customs, habits, hobbies, and memories of major social events like school dances, graduations, or weddings. Then, we may draw our future to be similar or different from the feelings of the past. Based on this reflection (or meditation, if you will) we adapt our present behavior. I like to think about it as a lesson in the history of ourselves to the extent that memory allows us to recreate emotions of the past.

But nostalgia is also an intensely bittersweet feeling that tears us between two different emotions — a mixture of happiness and sadness in the form of longing and appreciation. Oftentimes, we get a fix of dopamine through nostalgia, and that is why it can be such a powerful, complex emotion. That dopamine can have us chasing nostalgia, whether it be in the form of music, smells, films, video games, fashion, or some other form memory recreation. We need dopamine, but it can also be addicting and lead us to fall into a pattern of frequenting our past. We can get stuck in this cycle of constantly chasing dopamine because we lack it, either from a disorder or an abundance of stress, and that makes analyzing nostalgia (just like any other emotion) worthwhile.

Is nostalgia redefining your identity? Is it giving you a sense of comfort? Is it fueling depression? Is it being used in advertisements to manipulate you into spending money? Is it the reason you engage in certain behaviors?

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I am very much a behaviorist, so I like to think of most problems as culminations of different little issues in other aspects of our lives. Take anxiety, for example. Let us imagine that “anxiety” is a small snowball that you made by hand. You throw that snowball down a big hill, and it begins to roll and grow. As it does, it picks up pieces of snow labeled “avoidance, fear, drinking habits, bottling up emotions, lack of proper nutrition, caffeine, work issues, family issues, lack of exercise, lack of sunlight, addiction, social withdrawal, poor routines, dopamine chasing,” and the little snowball becomes a massive one that is suddenly much harder to stop. That is one way to get anxiety/panic attacks. So, how do we stop the snowball from becoming bigger?

Ideally, we would want to not have a snowball in the first place, but many of us are predisposed to have anxiety through genetics, environment, socioeconomic circumstances, to name a few factors. The important thing is to reflect on what we need to change to have a healthier lifestyle and return some balance into our lives. There is not always a single miracle cure for mental health concerns. Instead, we should aim to have a plan in place that is geared toward that concern. We can exert some control over what we can control and let go of that which we cannot. In the process, the mental health concern should diminish.

Most habits that we form are meeting a need that we are either conscious or unconscious about. For example, there are many people who scroll through TikTok for hours on end at night before falling asleep because they laugh, it helps them disconnect from the troubles they have experienced throughout the day, and the videos on their feed give them rushes of dopamine (these are where the needs are). There are several negative ways the scrolling could be affecting a person. First, screen time late at night can disrupt their sleep hygiene since all light affects our eyes and alertness. Secondly, chasing that dopamine through micro-length videos is lowering attention span while building up tolerance for dopamine. Think about what kind of videos you are stopping to see. Celebrity drama? People doing something embarrassing in public? Shocking news? Political opinions? Violence? War? Pranks? If you are one of the few people that have built a healthy, wholesome feed, you are lucky, but that has to be maintained. We know what we need: we need to laugh by spending time with our friends and family, adequate time to process and disconnect our experiences from the day, and we need to find other healthy sources of dopamine. Once the habit is established, the need to scroll through the phone at night should become minimal.

Another great example from my own personal experience stems from coffee. I love the taste of coffee, but I began drinking it primarily when I was a college student because I needed the “extra fuel” to get through my long days. The habit of drinking coffee was, at times, keeping me up at night. What that meant for the next day was that I needed more coffee to get through it. Before I knew it, there was an unhealthy coffee drinking habit that was not helping me be productive, cost a lot of money, and brought back anxiety attacks on a regular basis. Instead of developing a healthy routine to support me through the long days, I used coffee to keep the pace that I thought I wanted at the time. Coffee became a problem when it began affecting my sleep, but I did not see it as a problem until I started having anxiety attacks. Consequently, I had to go through caffeine withdrawal to get out of that rut, and I had put in the work on developing the healthy routine anyway.

Steps I recommend taking:

1. Identify behavior and need that behavior is meeting

2. Identify what is and is not working (reinforcers)

3. Develop a plan to meet that need in a healthy manner

4. Change the habit and assess results

5. Repeat as needed

Be compassionate with yourself. Change takes time.

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Less than a year ago, I was given a unique opportunity as a therapist to treat a 16-year-old who was having trouble sleeping. This individual had gone through traumatic experiences, had many reasons to be stressed in their daily life, and consequently, could not fall asleep at night. When they would fall asleep, it would be close to dawn. It would have been very easy to say, “Let’s get you on some melatonin. Let’s get you to a psychiatrist and get you something to help you relax before bed.” But none of that would have solved the issue. I advocated for this individual and said, “You need to learn how to sleep because you will need to sleep well for the rest of your life.”

When someone tells me they are having trouble sleeping, some of the first things I ask are, “What time are you eating? How much sunlight are you getting during the day? Are you exercising? How are your relationships? Are you socializing? How is school/work?” Put simply, this is another area where my holistic approach comes in. If you know what balance in your life looks like (or what it does not look like), then you know what is affecting your sleep. Insomnia and general sleep disturbances are actually quite common, but in my perspective, they are a symptom of something greater happening in our lives. In fact, most adults only average 5.7 hours of sleep, according to WebMD. At times, restlessness can be a symptom of anxiety, depression, bipolar, post-traumatic stress disorder, etc.

In the case of the 16-year-old, we had several things going well already, but there were a few modifications that ended up helping them sleep like a baby (their words, not mine). They reported that the combination of white noise, reframing distortions, and practicing deep breathing helped the most as they were already practicing some of the strategies listed below.

1. Wind Down: For one, this individual had a sleep routine that began approximately around 7:00 or 8:00 p.m. It was important for me that this person’s body learned to “wind down” to reach that sleeping point faster. Having a set bedtime teaches your body that it is bed time. At the same time, it should align with your natural circadian rhythm (see below). We facilitated this by teaching progressive muscle relaxation and deep breathing techniques they could practice before trying to sleep. My favorite thing to practice before bed is actually meditation. Many people prefer to do it in the morning, but I have noticed I fall asleep within minutes after practicing meditation. Other times, I practice box breathing (inhaling for four seconds, holding for four seconds, exhaling for four seconds, holding for four seconds, repeating).

2. Dinner and Exercise: I have quit coffee altogether and replaced it with matcha because coffee aggravates anxiety, but if I were still drinking it, I would personally stay away from it after 3:00 p.m. I learned that coffee has several things in it besides caffeine that can stimulate you. With matcha, I get none of the jitters or crashes. The client I mentioned would not drink coffee, but in general, paying close attention to the time you drink coffee or consume caffeine is very important. Additionally, my client would eat dinner by six, which is very important because the later you eat your dinner, the longer your body takes to reach a restorative state at night. The same applies to exercise. If you are jogging at 8:00 p.m. and going to bed by 10:30 p.m., it is very likely that you are waking up to go to school/work feeling tired. However, if you exercise earlier, such as 5:00 or 6:00 p.m., you are more likely to feel ready for bed by 10:00 p.m. It is even better if you are exercising outdoors at that time and getting sunlight, as sunlight helps regulate your body’s circadian rhythm and stimulates the production of melatonin and Vitamin D, among many other benefits.

3. Screen Time: This individual did not have a cell phone, so this was not an issue, but there are all sorts of things to keep in mind related to screen time. Naturally, blue light causes your pupils constrict. Red light, on the other hand, can cause your pupils to dilate. This is the principle behind our phone’s “Night Shift” modes. Another factor with screen time is precisely what you are doing when you are on your phone. Scrolling through social media stimulates your brain in a way that you are getting certain “feel good” chemicals, but sometimes those chemicals keep us awake. If you are reading the news late at night, your mind can subconsciously worry about the state of the world among other things. It has a tendency to spiral that way.

4. White Noise: There is a lot of research supporting white noise. It is very much an accepted form of helping babies fall asleep and stay asleep, but as we get older, we steer away from it. If you are having trouble sleeping, you can try setting white noise 10-15 minutes before your intended sleep time. I like to use the Calm app to find meditations or white noise. They have had many collaborations with artists and brands such as Disney to develop themed experiences in meditation, soundscapes, and even bedtime stories for the little ones. All of those things will help your mind slow down before bed. Additionally, ambience music can help you relax. One example is “Weightless” by Marconi Union. It is a song that has actually been proven, through research, to calm people down. Have fun with it. Make a playlist.

5. Seek Balance in Life: Worth repeating. If you are having trouble sleeping, analyze the contributing factors. It is typically not one thing alone but a culmination of habits or experiences that have snowballed and are weighing you down. If you are not trying all of the above, then there is more work to do.

More often than not, our inability to sleep is amplified by our own reaction to it just like with anxiety. When you are having trouble falling asleep, accept it. Do not fight it. Get up, turn on a dim light, and read (avoid watching Netflix or scrolling through social media). Be kind and compassionate with yourself instead of beating yourself up for caring so deeply that you are worried to the point that you cannot sleep. Try to change your perspective on the struggle.

One last thing (a little afterthought)… I generally avoid supplementing things that our body should be able to produce on its own, like melatonin. While I am not a doctor, my general theory is that by supplementing it you are depriving your body of the need to produce it thus increasing the reliance on that supplement. Additionally, since it is one of many benefits of healthy exposure to sunlight, you are likely to lack in other areas that stem from that exposure (such as Vitamin D). This is not to say that you should never supplement but rather you should try everything possible to help your body naturally produce what it needs before supplementing.

Setting the right foundation early on in their development is important. Once someone becomes self-aware, they can work on what they need for self-improvement. The following are some recommendations to support yourself, your children, or others through school, no matter the age:

• Have difficult conversations. There are countless things that children experience and witness for the first time when they are in school, and there are many things that students (or your friends) experience for the first time when they go off to college. They are observing (and absorbing) the world unfolding in a scale that is very different to that when one is no longer a student. Many people avoid certain topics like sex and drugs to name a few because they are so taboo and a possible result is unnecessary suffering and/or trauma. Instead of avoiding these topics, educate one another on it. Talk about misconceptions. You may be surprised to learn what people do and do not know on the topics that you discuss.

• Ask specific probing questions. One of the things that pisses off a lot of parents is when they ask their children, “What did you do at school?” Or “How is school?” The response is almost always “Nothing” or “Good.” Inevitably, parents stop asking. As a parent, and even as a supporting friend, it is better to ask things like, “What did you have for lunch today? What did your friend John talk to you about today? What are you reading for class? Which class are you enjoying most at the moment? What is the best/worst part of college for you at the moment?” These types of questions lend themselves to a more fruitful conversation and may allow one to identify struggles. You will learn if your child is eating well, how their friends are like, their interests, and more.

• Be patient and open minded. One of the biggest things that make people shut down is when they feel they are being judged for what they are telling you. If they tell you something that they find difficult to talk about, and you give a strong opinion on it, then they are less likely to elaborate. Listen fully first before providing any insight, and choose your words carefully. Do not be quick to give your perspective. As a teacher, whenever I disagreed with a student or their decisions, I would ask a series of questions to understand their perspective better. Sometimes, in those questions, they themselves reach the conclusion that I had reached initially. If I simply presented my conclusion as, “You are wrong because of this,” they are more likely to shut down and get offended. This was also my biggest issue as a student. Most of my teachers had a “My way or the highway” mentality. Typically, this means “the highway” is the only choice, for rebellious teenagers.

• Find balance. Especially as a high school/college student, this is very important. This is not something that is taught at school, and consequently, we have a lot of anxious and stressed out teenagers with cortisol levels through the roof. I have known many highly intelligent students that have dropped out of college because they burned themselves out to the point that they develop anxiety disorders or depression. Society places a lot of value on “hard work” and little value on self-care. I have worked in many places where I am told to practice self-care but am also looked down on when I mindfully ask for a day off to “clear my head,” even though it is not something that I do often.

• Be kind. This last one is specifically for parents and teachers. Every person needs something different in and out of school, but being mean to someone or belittling them is never the way to help them. There were many teachers that were mean to me in high school, which was nearly 13 years ago, and if you read my last post, it is clear that I have not forgotten it. Many teachers use fear or intimidation as a means for behavior regulation. That works short-term, but long-term, it actually makes their jobs harder. My way of regulating behavior as a teacher was always by earning my students’ respect, typically by showing them I cared. Whether in school or the workplace, it is in our best interests to help everyone around us flower. Be to others the person you need in your life.

  “In traditional therapy, you’re paying this person, and you save all of your problems for them, and they just listen, and your friends, who are idiots, give you advice. Unsolicited. And you want your friends just to listen. And you want your therapist to give you advice.” - Jonah Hill, Stutz

Next week’s post will discuss sleep hygiene and its importance on mental health.

I look around the dim classroom, and I see my honors English teacher smiling as she talks about Shakespeare’s Othello. She is dissecting a scene from Act I, and I joke about how Othello would make more sense under the influence of weed. Everyone laughs, including my teacher, and we continue the class by taking notes about Latin and Greek root words that are supposed to help us understand some of Shakespeare’s words a little better. I feel safe in this space to be myself, and I lean my head back then close my eyes for a minute, perfectly content.

I enrolled in a college-level art class even though I am only a sophomore. The teacher here is an old, sweet lady, but she has no control over the class. She is of retirement age, but she refuses to retire, probably out of need. She is the embodiment of depression: slow, dull, with expressionless eyes that look at you lacking all essence of life. But every once in a while, she gives us a warm smile and joke. It is rare, but I think that makes those moments that much more special. My classmates joke that she is so depressed because her husband hits her. I do not think that is true, though. For some reason, there are several seniors mixed in this class with a handful of underclassmen. All the seniors are perpetually high, pregnant, or hardly in school, preferring to take pills at raves than to prepare for their future. A handful of them have been working on ceramics in class, one of them crafting a bong that she intends to use during lunch when she visits the home of one of the jocks. I listen to trance on my iPod as I draw a lumberjack gnome standing in front of his mushroom house in an enchanted forest. Today is our teacher’s birthday, and several of the male seniors decide to give our teacher a lap dance while another pretends to be a DJ with his cell phone. Then one of the seniors takes a seat near me and my best friend (also a sophomore) then proceeds to flirt with my friend.

My speech class is a rather similar experience. I have some of the same seniors in it, and there are only a handful of us underclassmen in it. It was supposed to provide us with college credit, but for some reason never explained to us, it did not. This class in particular, I avoid as much as possible. I have to prepare and give pointless speeches on the verge of an anxiety attack while standing in front of the bright classroom, with desks separated into two sides, all facing toward the front. I am essentially graded on my ability to control anxiety while everyone stares at me talk about a shoe box with personally meaningful items in it. The teacher does not seem to like me either, perhaps because I am too edgy in my speeches, or maybe because I always come across as full of anger. Combined with the fact that I have no friends in that class, these discomforts prompt me to skip this class as much as possible. I either find a teacher that will provide a safe haven, roam the halls, or blend in with the physical education crowd outside. Sometimes, when no one is looking, I just walk off campus to my house. Later, I would find this teacher rejected my admission to the “honors society.” The same teacher that had a different outfit for each day of the school year because she wanted to impress everyone and clearly deserved to be extraordinarily unique. She thought I would not find out it was because of her.

My math class is one of the last classes of the day, and I decide to take a restroom break, not because I have to go to the restroom. Anxiety rises during this class for some reason, and walking helps me calm down a bit. My teacher, sympathizing with me as a person who also suffers from anxiety, would let me walk out whenever I needed. I did not even have to tell her. She could read me, and she would say, “You can go to the restroom.” I really appreciated her because most people in my life did not believe in anxiety and the accommodations I needed at the time required a certain level of trust from the adults in charge. They had to trust that I really needed to step out and was not just doing it to get out of doing things. “I would gladly do any of these ‘difficult’ projects you want if I could just feel like a normal person,” I would tell them. It was true. All I wanted was to live a normal life free from whatever disease was plaguing my brain.

On my way back from the restroom, I hear security guards running and yelling telling someone to get to class. This is not at all out of the norm for my high school. A few weeks ago, I saw a student running from the security guards and jump from the second floor to the first floor then continue running from them. It was impressive because the height from the second to the first floor must have been at least 20 feet. I do not think much of it and take my time getting to the classroom. When I arrive, my best friend asks to go next. She leaves, and a minute later, a lockdown is announced. Apparently, an armed individual who was being chased by police made his way into the un-gated school. SWAT arrived shortly thereafter. No one was injured, and according to the local news, “the school was on total lockdown mere seconds after the unarmed individual entered.”

It is beyond me why I decided to become a teacher when this was a typical day at my high school and not even close to the really bad things I saw. However, my experience as a teacher was different. I loved being a teacher, but I hated the politics of it. As a student, maybe my high school could not provide me with the best experience at that time. I felt like high school highlighted the worst of humanity for me. Maybe I chose to filter out the good back then. Who knows? I do know I was depressed. Maybe I just became a teacher because I wanted to make a positive difference in the lives of students the way the handful of good teachers did for me and protect others from going through what I did. Maybe it was because of the vast majority of horrible teachers that I wanted to be more like one of the good ones.

Above all, what I now know is this: there are many good and bad experiences that we go through in life. We do not always have control over those situations because many times, it is a new experience. What we can control is our reaction and our perception. Are we going to let these experiences debilitate us, or are we going to use it as the reason to be better?

P.S. Next week’s post will be about my thoughts on how to help students of all ages to have a better experience in school.

I remember one time when I was a young teen, and I was very angry at my father (whom I love very much), though I do not remember what I was angry about. For some reason, I struggled to speak to him in person about the things that were bothering me, so I chose to write him a letter. It was my way of confronting our disagreements, and while I do not remember exactly what he wrote back, I know it was kind and the overall experience benefited both of us. In short, we understood each other’s perspective, and we processed our emotions. Writing, in general, has always been regarded as a great form of self-expression and healing. Many therapists still prescribe journaling for reasons ranging from self-expression to tracking patterns. I firmly believe that this power of writing is part of the reason many people express their frustrations over social media. While social media may not be the best outlet, I often encourage people to keep a journal, note on their phone, or something where they can express their thoughts, feelings, and emotions, even if they decide not to share them with anyone. They can even burn them as a form of “letting go” of that emotional baggage.

However, there is another interesting technique around the idea of expressing emotions called “The Empty Chair” that I have often seen used in therapy. It is designed for clients to engage with an imaginary “being” made of either themselves. It may be a younger version of themselves, a part of themselves (such as their anger), or a person that is not available for whatever reason. Say there is a 50-year-old woman going to therapy. Her therapist and her agree that she is holding on to so much resentment and anger stemming from an alcoholic, abusive father who passed away two years prior. Since her father is no longer available for her to confront him and resolve some of these issues, the therapist may use the empty chair and have her speak to it as if her father was sitting there. Maybe there were things that she never said to him that she wishes she had said. Maybe she just needs to tell him off for everything he put her through. It can be a very powerful technique, if executed correctly. There are many things that, on the therapist side, need to be planned and arranged for it to be successful. When clients speak directly addressing the person at the center of their problem, the conversation is very different than when they are speaking about it to a therapist.

Think about it: Whom would you confront about that splinter in your mind that has been hurting you for years? How do you think you would feel afterward? Would you have some sort of revelation or epiphany?

Enter artificial intelligence. The idea that humans can have meaningful interactions with AI is not new at all. In fact, there have been films dating back to the 1920s that featured some form of AI, and one could even argue that early forms of it could be traced back to literature in the 1800s such as Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. But the concept of AI really emerged with the rise of the sci-fi genre in pop culture from the ’50s onward, and since then, technological advances have consistently realized what was only dreamt of decades/centuries before (I will list media for further exploration). We are at a technological stage where you could technically re-create someone’s personality through an AI chatbot, and then confront them about a problem, experiencing some of the real elements of communication along the way. People have already been using AI as one would a friend, to ask for suggestions, bounce ideas, or support one through mental health problems (see example below).

In the example of the 50-year-old client with resentment toward her deceased father, what if we created an AI bot with her father’s personality or likeness and then allowed her to process that resentment while speaking with the bot in a safe and controlled environment? How might that differ from the Empty Chair Technique? Would it be more or less effective? While the AI would be a simulation of her father, the feelings would hold some reality to them since they stem from a part of who the father truly was. If it helps the client heal to a considerable degree, would we consider those emotions she processed as real or not? What makes an emotion real?

What if we assign AI companions to lonely people, specially the groups that are most vulnerable, such as the elderly? AI bots that provide companionship already exist, and they already amass millions of users. We could put the AI into lifelike robots of all shapes and sizes, not just cell phones and computers. What if we help children with autism learn social skills through the use scenarios facilitated by AI? What if we use AI, in combination with virtual reality, to re-create, in a controlled fashion, certain phobias and help clients overcome their fears?

And that is not even the beginning of it.

A little bit of further exploration, in no particular order:

• Film:

  • Ex Machina (2014)

  • The Matrix (1999)

  • Blade Runner (1982)

  • Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

  • Total Recall (1990/2012)

  • Star Wars (1977)

  • I am Mother (2019)

  • Passengers (2016)

  • The Terminator (1984)

  • Robocop (1987), recommend pairing it with Dredd remake (2012)

  • Tron (2010, although the original also has AI/programs)

  • Wall-E (2008)

• Anime:

  • Ghost in the Shell (1995)

  • Hand Maid May (2000)

  • The Iron Giant (1999)

  • Psycho-Pass (2012)

• Short Stories:

  • “Circular Ruins” by Jorge Luis Borges

  • “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale” by Philip K. Dick

  • “There Will Come Soft Rains” by Ray Bradbury

• Books and Novels:

  • Simulacra and Simulation

  • I, Robot

  • Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

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For most of my life, I have been a “glass half empty” kind of guy. When I was a freshman in college, I read Pulitzer Prize winner The Road by Cormac McCarthy (later made to a movie by the same name). It is a dystopian novel set in a future where a father and a son walk through the burned wasteland that America becomes after some terrible natural event. They are survivalists, and the boy being so young does not know of life before. Through their journey, they get to see the worst of humanity — from stealing to cannibalism. Things are so bad, that the father has a few bullets reserved to end their lives in the event that they are about to be caught by a group. They have seen what happens to people who get caught. Interestingly enough, the boy has more good in him than most adults around. Where his dad might want to avoid helping someone for the sake of avoiding possible danger, the child wants to help someone for the sake of being kind and providing comfort to someone. In a way, it reminds me of the different sides of humanity that we saw during the COVID-19 Pandemic.

Fast-forward to my time as a teacher, when I am having a discussion with a co-worker of mine. There were certain novels we loved assigning our students annually, and she particularly enjoyed assigning The Road. We had talked about it a few times, but this time, I confessed to her my reluctance to ever assign it to anyone, “I just feel like that novel drained my soul with how negative it was. From the time it begins, there is nothing good happening. Everything is so dark, people are dying, eating others, killing themselves, looting, raping, just struggling to survive, etc. The man roamed the earth in constant fear of what could happen to his son.” She agreed that the novel was full of much evil and general bad. “However,” she noted, “The light was always there. Even though all those horrible things were going on, the father and the son were ‘carriers of light’ and spread good.” I was left speechless.

I had a sudden realization that she was right. She was right, and I had become so fixated on the bad that I overlooked the good that was around them as well as the overall message of the novel. How often have I become so hyper-focused on all the negative around me that I forgot to be thankful for the good? How long has this been my default, operating setting? Now that I am a therapist, I understand the cognitive distortion of filtering and the importance of reframing thought patterns for clients who suffer from anxiety and depression. The symptoms of anxiety and depression are just that — symptoms. They are signs that something is not right.

I have previously referred to our consciousness as a river through which thoughts flow. Anxiety tells us to grab on to those thoughts, as many as possible, and hold on tight to them or hurry them along if they are not desirable ones. It often seeks to gain more control over situations in which we do not always have control. Depression has us hold on to the ones that are all too familiar, comfortable and safe, even if they are not good thoughts. It defaults to the few things that have been proven to make us feel good and tells us to avoid those which do not. But mindfulness teaches us to observe these thoughts, allow them to pass as they wish, and then recollect ourselves when we analyze them in tranquility. It is through this analysis that we find patterns of thought that we frequent and hurt us. By reframing these thought patterns, we are able to slowly change our perspective, ultimately leading to a paradigm shift — a change in fundamental thoughts that happens after we challenge the anomalies within us.

For me, this is what “working on myself” means. It means giving my thoughts the freedom to flow, not holding on to any of them for too long, recollecting myself, and making changes so that the less desirable thoughts become less frequent. It means being mindful about the fact that the light is always there. And that is one example of what therapy can help us do.

The whole time I was a teacher, it was common for me to see everyone around me burning out — from teachers to students — but no one talked about it. The top students complained about the work and appeared miserable, and the typical conversation with a top teacher toward the end of the school year went something like this:

“I… just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have been napping a lot, and no matter how much I sleep, I have no energy during the day. I have to drink like three coffees just to get through the day. At night, I can’t sleep either, no matter how much I try. And it’s not just the weekdays. It’s also on weekends. I’ve taken melatonin, but it’s not doing anything. I’ve also tried drinking a few beers before bed. Then today, I felt like my blood pressure suddenly spiked or dropped. I need to get checked out. Maybe I’m just getting sick or maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

Almost no one understood what their body was trying to tell them, assumed they were getting sick, or simply chose to ignore it. The majority of us who would work summer school could not afford not to work summers because teachers are underpaid and some of us had problems we could not even begin to talk about. The extra check was our opportunity to “get back on track” with some sort of maintenance for the car or house. Other times, it allowed us some money for a short one-week vacation with our families. So we would beat on when three quarters of the staff was off and our spirits depleted.

The burn out at the high school level aligns pretty well with the state exams students have to take, and it was around that time that my stress levels would reach new heights, pushing the threshold of my capacity for stress, just like it did for many of my colleagues. Schools have become increasingly efficient at beating to the rhythm set by the state exams, and they have done so at the expense of creativity, actual knowledge, and the mental health of students and teachers alike. The issue was that I was also sponsoring an extra-curricular activity, I was a full-time graduate student, I participated in an internship, and I had responsibilities at home as a husband and father. There was little room for error in the organization of my day, and for the longest time, my biggest priority had been my students — even before my own family.

It is no secret that our endocrine system responds to stress by releasing a cocktail of hormones and chemicals that prepare our body to fight or escape our way out of a situation. Cortisol is known as “the stress hormone,” but for whatever reason, our bodies heal at a relatively slower rate when we have an excess of it as the result of actual stress. Apparently our body needs actual physical and mental rest to heal (wild, I know). While I was burning out, and (I assume) my cortisol levels were through the roof, I felt I was getting sick from a cold or some sort of sinus infection. I went to the doctor, and since my days were strictly structured, I opted for a corticosteroid shot to get back on track immediately. I had gotten one before, and it worked.

I felt completely fine after getting the shot. In fact, when I left the doctor’s office, I felt like I could breathe a little easier. My head even stopped hurting. When I got home, I decided to get some exercise in before I had to start my week once again, and I felt unusually exhausted during my exercise but dismissed it as just another symptom of burnout. By the time I laid down to sleep, my chest felt weird. It did not feel like anxiety. That feeling is all too familiar. No, this felt like my chest wanted to explode. I checked my heart rate. 145 BPM, laying down, watching my favorite show. I sat up, and it shot up to 160 BPM in a matter of minutes. For comparison, my resting heart rate is anywhere between 65-75. By the time it hit 160, I was getting tunnel vision and seeing spots.

My brother drove me to the hospital, and staff there ran several tests, noting an elevated blood pressure but no abnormalities with my chest X-ray before deciding that I was simply experiencing a side effect of the shot I had received earlier in the day. I called it cortisol intoxication. The doctor kept me in observation for approximately five to six hours until my heart rate was “elevated but manageable” at about 105-110 BPM. I went home close to dawn and slept for hours, but still had to deal with the aftermath. I lost 20-25 pounds that week, lost all appetite, developed a new fear of physical exercise, experienced an all-new level of anxiety, and missed a lot of work and school. The worst part was that I knew I had no choice but to continue trudging.

I learned much about my body’s biochemistry through the experience. Today, I enjoy exercise once again and value it greatly from a mental health standpoint, but I had to essentially treat myself for the fear of high heart rates through exposure therapy. I had to regain my strength, both physically and mentally, and I had to push myself to continue working in the profession that was slowly killing me — the profession where you are either a great, unhealthy teacher or a mediocre, healthy one. The school year that followed was my last, and I would go on to become “teacher of the year.”

Depression is not a just a general feeling of sadness or even a sudden intense feeling of sadness. It is a sadness that looms over you no matter where you go or what you do, and it must last for a considerable amount of time for it to be considered depression. Imagine having your life’s energy, or “mana,” siphoned out of you slowly and everyone around you confusing that with laziness or bitterness. Imagine chasing a brief rush of dopamine or joy in the form of comfort food, shopping, or drugs only to find yourself curled up in bed a few hours later simmering in all the problems that come with the pursuit of that “cheap” dopamine. Imagine living in nostalgia, trying to tap to the happiness you felt at a certain point of your life when you did not feel afraid, alone, and you felt excitement over what the next day might bring. Depression, like anxiety, is unique to the individual and has different roots and ways of manifesting. Since everyone’s anxiety/depression is unique, treatment should be individualized and not just patched over with medication.

More often than not, there is an underlying issue that is feeding depression. The most common reasons stem from situational and genetic roots. Maybe we are going through a difficult period of our lives. Maybe our parents suffered from depression. These roots often manifest through a combination of the following sources: natural fluctuations in hormones/chemicals, repressed emotions, career dissatisfaction, marital issues, financial problems, unrealistic expectations, perceived loss of control over one’s life situation, and unhealthy lifestyle habits. Understanding these different roots and sources makes healing complicated and time-consuming because we cannot just address one area of concern and move on. Additionally, if we knew what exactly the problem is, we might not be in the situation we are in to begin with. Sometimes, the solution we imagine is not the solution. Depression is not entirely cured by money alone, for example. Some people say, “If I had a million dollars, I’d be happy.” Sure, it will remove one problem, but there are many things that money cannot buy and some that it should not buy (like drugs). On the other hand, developing a healthy, resilient, and adaptable perspective on life’s problems is more likely to pull someone out of a depression and prepare that individual for future hurdles. What we should do is reflect on our feelings, find the source, and have a plan of action to change our behaviors.

For me, the hardest part about depressive episodes was having this immense desire to do the exact opposite of what I now know I need to do to feel better. When I knew I needed sunlight, I wanted nothing more than to be in my room alone and keep the lights off while playing video games. When I knew I needed a healthy routine (what even is that?), I wanted to call in (or skip school) and stay curled up in bed until noon. When I knew the importance of hygiene, all I wanted was to go weeks without a haircut, a shave, or a shower. When people would invite me to go out to dinner, to a gathering, or a movie, I wanted to avoid socializing. When I knew working out helps release “feel good chemicals,” I opted for sugary binges and laid in bed watching TV. I wanted to rot, and even worse is the fact that engaging in those healthy behaviors, behaviors that actually supported my life goals and extinguished depression, quickly drained the little energy that I did have. It made it so much easier to just say no to everything, even if I would then beat myself up over the shame and guilt that I felt as a result.

I truly believe that addressing the different sources of depression and taking a holistic approach can get anyone out of the hole, but that is not enough. After getting out of the hole, the stage of active maintenance begins to avoid falling back in. If we quit alcohol while trying to heal, we should not begin drinking again after the depression dissipates. As a depressant, alcohol can induce depression alone and should be avoided by individuals who are predisposed to depression. If we begin investing in friendships as we heal, we should not take those friendships for granted after. We need to see friendships as more than just resources to consume. If taking on too many duties at work or school made us fall into the hole, we do not want to keep saying yes to everything. You get the point.

While anxiety and depression are two different issues, there is a place where they meet. Stop and reflect on your feelings and how you express them. Get to know yourself. Find how you are fueling the depression, make a plan to cut its fuel, then develop and maintain a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Above all, be kind to yourself and know that there are factors beyond your control. Sometimes we do not have the luxury to get ourselves out of the hole just yet because we need to work two jobs, because we need to be work full-time and attend school full-time, because we are single parents, because we have made mistakes, or because these are the cards we have been dealt. Sometimes, we know what we have to do and part of healing is just planning and pushing ourselves to manage the symptoms as best as possible. Sometimes, just like with anxiety, the way out of depression is through it.

Darkness finds me
Flirts with me
Everywhere I go

I wander through the night
And it finds me
Tells me its always been there
Through the thick and thin

And as we wander through the night
It promises me
The kind of rest
That never came from light

I agree with the thought
That there is a sliver of my life that’s been slipping away
“I’m afraid,” I whisper
“I’m already dead.”

And the darkness stops, watches, and waits

Until
My
Light
Suffocates

When we left, the weather was not too bad. From what I gathered, our plane would miss the storm but could get caught in a few of the outer rainbands from it. When we passed through those clouds, we had a little bit of turbulence. It was not too bad, mostly felt as minor shaking that would last less than a second or two, but I remember looking around the cabin and seeing some people react rather jittery. There were businessmen that appeared to be used to flying, sleeping through it with their little neck pillows, but for brief moments when I felt anxious, I would turn and see a few individuals that seemed to be flying alone who would seemingly jerk their leg out of their seat and gasp. I could see several of them sweating, clearing their throat, and in general, writhing, trying to catch their breath.

Instead of making me anxious, it reassured me to know that I was not the only one feeling nervous. Today, I am the kind of person that would have probably started talking/bonding with the person next to me over our fear, possibly inviting them to practice some deep breathing with me. After the flight, I may have gone to the beach or, if I lived somewhere more green, some woods where I can truly feel “grounded.” At the time, I did not have much in my anxiety toolbox to rely on, so I was watching a movie on my iPhone and listening to it, trying to get the fear out of my mind.

When you think about people who make a career as pilots, or people who have to fly on a daily basis, it makes sense how exposure plays into the insignificance of a little turbulence. These people do not have to think about how to cope with the fear because they are used to the experience. For someone like me, or the lady that was sitting next to me — people who have not flown in years or have low experience — it is easy to see how the whole situation can be nerve-racking and all we want is to feel terra firma. It is all relative and subjective to the individual.

Around the time, I was seeing a therapist who would tell me, “Ground yourself when you feel anxious. Use the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 method.” That particular grounding technique would set me off. Not only did it not work for me, but I fought the very principle of it.

“I see the plane shaking. I feel the numbness in my hands. I hear wind. I smell nothing. I taste my own fear?”

I know. I was not doing it right, but my issue with it is that exposure therapy, which research shows to be one of the most effective ways of handling anxiety, does the exact opposite of what the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique does. To me, the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique meant avoidance. It meant I was not validating my emotions, learning to cope with the discomfort by doing something to treat it, or processing my fear. Exposure meant the exact opposite. This is not to say that the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique is useless. It was simply not for me, and that is okay because what works for one person may not work for the other. While that technique can be adjusted for many different types of anxiety, it is not my personal go-to for handling anxiety. I find it a very useful grounding technique, if done properly, particularly for individuals who engage in derealization. With that said, many people who suffer from general anxiety have told me that it has helped them tremendously, and that is why I am sharing it. What works or does not depends on what is happening inside your mind and how you perceive it.

There are many ways to ground yourself and to deal with whatever it is that you are feeling. Grounding, to me, means to be fully present in the moment. It means searching for the True reality of your experience, accepting it, and learning to cope with what you have in front of you. What it looks like is typically absorbing your environment, identifying your feelings and emotions at the moment, then analyzing and processing those feelings through a calm and collected mind. Spending time in nature, disconnected from society and all the problems that come from living in it, is a great way to do this.

The lesson from the short story is this: the majority of the fears that we have never materialize, and the issues that we are not aware of surprise us. Life has a way of presenting these realizations to us in a way that should ground us. Adaptability is most important to make Anxiety a viable team member of our mind. Anxiety is trying to tell us something, and we should take a moment to stop, listen to her, and process her information, just like with any other emotion. Locking up our “negative emotions” and shoving them into the depths of our minds is how we got our mental health concerns in the first place.

Stop running away from Anxiety. Listen to all your feelings. Do something about them.

What am I allowed to carry onto the plane and what should I avoid taking? When I was younger, I worried about the plane being hijacked. As a result of 9/11, I am fixated on the fact that I cannot carry a water bottle, even if it is an emotional support water bottle, so how much will a Smart Water cost me after screening? I am going to need it in case I have to take the emergency Xanax I folded neatly inside a little Post-it. And what are the size limits on shampoo, toothpaste, mouthwash, and contact solution? I should take my AirPods in my pocket to watch a show and distract myself. What if I am so nervous that I have to pee or pop really bad when they begin to explain those emergency procedures? That will not happen. It is okay. I am not anxious.

What time can I check in? What if I have to sit right by the engine because I do not check in on time, and that is all that is left? I know I cannot possibly handle that. I definitely have to leave for the airport at least two hours in advance. I have seen way too many videos of airplane engines caught on fire mid-flight, and I remember one of my relatives being in one in which the cabin began to smoke up as the result of some sort of failure. All the ones I have seen still landed safely though. I think I will live through it, even if it happened, but it does not matter. Right now, I am okay. I am not falling out of the sky. I am not anxious.

I hate how cramped seats in an airplane are. We supersize everything, and everything is bigger in my home state of Texas, but afterward, there are not large enough seats to fit Texas-sized cowboys. I bet if airlines charged per pound instead of per head there would be a lot more leg space. I have enough space for myself. I am not anxious right now.

I was anxious before boarding, but now that I am seated, it turns out that I am surprisingly not anxious. I am… cold. I am cold, and I forgot to bring a jacket to my flight.

In that speech, David Foster Wallace uses a metaphor that could be interpreted as a practice in mindfulness:

There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes “What the hell is water?”

My overall conclusion derived by my analysis of the speech is that everyday adult life has been romanticized in media, and in the process, a harsh reality has been omitted. There are certain aspects of adult life which can be incredibly lonely, boring, and infuriating. In those times when you find yourself alone, bored, and frustrated, you should take a moment to analyze your thoughts. What is the water like in your river of consciousness? Is it clear? Is it murky? Are there rapids, or is the stream calm and serene?

From our education, David Foster Wallace’s suggests, we should develop attention, awareness, and discipline. We should be able to choose how and what to think. There is something incredibly powerful about the idea that you are in control and you have the option to develop and maintain your river, whether it be during a time of tranquility or chaos. Whatever the case, those moments exist because you have allowed them to. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It is part of being human.

Beating yourself up for however your river of consciousness looks like at the moment is not going to help. What mindfulness does is allow you to take a moment and look at the river. You may see specific thoughts floating by. Thoughts of missed payments, insecurities over the way you look, or maybe they are fears. There may also be a few positive thoughts in there. You may have thoughts over what an amazing job you did on a presentation at work/school, how you aced a certain project, or maybe a happy memory. The mind naturally wants to hold on to those happy ones and hurriedly pushes the others along.

That is not necessary nor is it healthy. No one is happy 24/7. Emotions, just like our thoughts, come and go. We need to acknowledge what is flowing in and out of our rivers as they are a natural byproduct of our experiences and surroundings. You may gently pick up a thought, reflect on it, then put it back in the river and let it flow away. What we want to avoid is holding on to them like our lives depend on them — even the good ones. It becomes especially challenging after everything has been working out great for us because there is little cleaning to be done in those moments.

“Be more positive” is a horrible piece of advice to give someone who seems to always be focused on the negative in their lives. It is not that simple. We are often focused on the negative because there has been so much of it in our world for so long that we have lost sight of the good even though it is there. What we can do is help each other look at our thought patterns, identify cognitive distortions, and reframe those thoughts into something that will be more useful to us — to our water.

Here is one example from last week’s short story:

“Maybe I should have dropped out of school when my house burned and focused on surviving. Instead of learning about feelings, I should have learned to turn my home self-sustainable. I should have invested in solar power, planted vegetables in my garden, and grown chickens.”

For the purpose of creative writing, these sentences are aimed at evoking powerful emotions of compassion and sympathy. By the time you read them, you should be thinking about your loved ones and your own experiences with freezing winters. From the perspective of reflection, however, these should statements may be considered a cognitive distortion that evoke feelings of guilt, shame, disappointment, and anger. These sentences are also highly filtered statements. They focus on the negative and dismiss any good that is dug underneath. It is not easy to stay in school after a major house fire, during a pandemic, and after becoming a parent. There are many students who drop out under similar circumstances. In fact, at least two out of ten in my cohort dropped out because of the pandemic.

Stop sabotaging yourself. Put in the work. Love yourself the way you love others by showing compassion for yourself and giving yourself the time to heal, to grow, and to live.